


Irretrievable

by SpicyPepper_SweetSugar



Series: The Quote Project [1]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-24
Updated: 2014-06-24
Packaged: 2018-02-06 01:51:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1839970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpicyPepper_SweetSugar/pseuds/SpicyPepper_SweetSugar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Four things are irretrievable: An arrow in flight, a spoken word, a lost opportunity, a life already spent."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Irretrievable

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So after asking on Tumblr which one-shot my lovely followers would like to read first (drunk!Felicity knocking on Oliver's door or angry!Felicity telling Oliver off) the second option got the most votes, which is why this one will be posted first! =)
> 
> So this is the first one-shot in a collection of one-shots inspired by quotes/proverbs/sayings and I can tell you right now that I'm not sure how big this collection will be or when it'll be finished, but know that I'll post all one-shots (that aren't connected at all) in the same story on fanfiction too. Here on AO3, the stories will fall into the same collection, but stay separated as one-shots.
> 
> Okay, now, this one-shot is a little different from what I've written before, so please be kind.
> 
> [Trigger warning: Implied rape and child abuse (but I don't really know if I should raise the rating to M, because it's not exactly something explicit...)]
> 
> Enjoy!

" _Irretrievable"_

**Word count: 2,970**

_Four things are irretrievable:_

It is common for people to regret having done or said something. Usually, there are a lot of things that can be taken back, but some, are irretrievable.

_An arrow in flight_

The three arrows pierced the Count's chest, one after one and for a brief second, Oliver was left staring as the criminal fell through the window, dead before even hitting the ground.

There were a lot of things that he wished he could take back in life. Cheating on Laurel and breaking her heart several times over, becoming a murderer that his best friend hated, not realizing there was a second device before it was ultimately too late... In summary, a lot of things, and the list would be way too long if he counted them all.

This though.

Watching the Count fall before his eyes, releasing the tight grip he had had on his blonde friend... That was something he would never take back.

Oliver could see that it bothered Felicity sometimes and that she felt guilty for making him kill. It had been his decision though. She had begged him not to break his promise-

" _Oliver, don't! Not for me!"_

-but he had reacted purely on instinct to the feelings that he had tried to bury deep, deep inside of himself.

He had told her that there had been no choice to make, which was probably one of the most truthful things he had ever told her. If he was forced to make the same choice again, he would; in a heartbeat.

Felicity might sometimes believe he wished to take it back, but he knew deep in his heart, that he never would.

_A spoken word_

It wasn't necessarily that things between them changed after that night in the mansion. After all, they had both been in on the ruse. But then, of course, the unexpected had happened.

" _I love you_."

The words had slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them, after he had internally gone through every single thing that could go wrong. Her reaction; the wide eyes and the fact that she hadn't been able to respond, had made him believe, if only for a second.

What if she loved him back?

Then, reality hit him, and he remembered what the plan was, so he gently pressed the syringe into her hand and got out of the mansion as fast as possible, silently promising not only her, but himself as well, that he would be back for her.

The city was saved, Slade was imprisoned, they had a talk on the beach and then returned to Starling City, expecting everything to go back to the way it was.

Except for the fact that it wasn't one hundred percent as it was  _before_.

His hand lingered on her shoulder two seconds too long sometimes, their eyes always seemed to connect, unspoken words passing between them and she took the liberty of sometimes simply closing the distance between them and hold him whenever she saw that he needed it. He welcomed her, with open arms and neither of them brought up his words from that night again.

But he never took them back, because he knew it wasn't possible to do so. What had been said, had been said and it hung over the two of them no matter how much they tried to deny it.

After he had spoken the words, it was out there.

" _I love you_."

No matter what they did to act as if it hadn't changed them, they both knew it had. The words were now imprinted in their brains, and there was nothing either of them could do about it, because every night when they went to their respective beds, it was the last thing they though of and the first thing that crossed their minds when they woke up the next morning.

_A lost opportunity_

There had been so many times that he could have said the words to her again.

He had wanted to say it, but there was always something holding him back. So he tried to move on, with Laurel of all people.

When Diggle and Felicity had learned about their new relationship status, his eyes had been trained on solely Felicity, waiting for her reaction. Naturally, he felt horrible afterward, when he realized that he had wanted her to scream at him that Laurel wasn't the one for him and that he could never be happy with her because there was just too damn much history there to be able to move forward. He had wanted Felicity to throw her arms around him and tell him that she wanted him as much as he wanted her and it was this realization that made him feel awful.

She did none of those things though. Instead, she smiled at him and told him she only wanted what was best for him and that she was happy that he was happy.

It had been a low blow, but he had gotten over it.

Then, Felicity started seeing other people.

_Other people._  The term wasn't exactly correct since the two of them had never exactly been together, but for some reason, when he had bumped into her and her date while he was out with Laurel, he felt as if he had just caught her cheating on him. Yet again, the thought of how incredibly unfair and selfish it was crossed his mind.

They had a huge fight just a couple of weeks later and then Laurel broke up with him because she told him that it was pretty clear that he was acting like a jealous boyfriend whenever Felicity talked about her dates. He didn't exactly deny it, which made him realize yet again that yes; he was jealous.

He and Laurel tried to go back to being just friends and surprisingly enough, it worked well, after a couple of weeks of awkwardness between them.

His relationship with Felicity though, was another matter completely. They fought more than ever, mostly whenever he knew she was having a date with someone he knew didn't mean  _anything_  to her. He was selfish because he pushed her away and then tried to draw her back in when he felt that he might loose her to someone else. She argued with him constantly because she felt stupid for allowing him to draw her back in, when she knew he ultimately wouldn't do anything about taking a step further into their relationship.

So when a mission went wrong and Felicity ended up in the hospital after taking a bullet to the abdomen for him, he was going out of his mind waiting for her to wake up. Diggle had left to call Lyla and fill her in on Felicity's situation, when the blonde woman finally began to wake up.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, tears pricking his eyes, surprising even himself. Felicity watched him warily, before directing a glare his way.

"I took a bullet for you," she stated. "What exactly are  _you_  sorry about?"

"It shouldn't have happened. It was my fault, all of it. We had that fight earlier, about Raymond, and I wasn't focused," he ranted. "I didn't see the shooter and I didn't ever hear the shot until you screamed and stood in front of me. I'm sorry."

She watched him warily, her glare still in place. "I still don't understand what you're sorry for. It wasn't your fault that I decided to stand between you and a gunman."

"It  _was_ ," Oliver pressed. "I wasn't focused-"

"-because of  _our_  fight _._ Right," Felicity bit out, "you said that already. So how exactly  _isn't_  this my fault too?"

"Because I'm stupid, and jealous and I keep wanting to have you near me despite knowing that in the end, I'll probably end up getting you killed," he admitted, closing his eyes, wiping at his cheeks for any tears that might have fallen. It was all out there now.

"So stop pushing me away then, Oliver," Felicity all but snapped. "How can you not see that we both hurt more whenever we're apart?"

It seemed like the drugs the doctors had injected her with were making her brave.

"Felicity," he pleaded but she shook her head at him.

"You're not the only one in this world that is fucked up, Oliver!" she exclaimed, wincing when she accidentally moved a little too quickly. He cringed at her curse, not used to her using that kind of language and losing herself like this in an argument.

"But I am pretty fucked up," Oliver stated. "And you deserve so much better. You're so beautiful and so bright and happy... I'll only bring you down with me, taint you with my...my darkness."

"You think I haven't had a screwed up life?" she asked, a humorless laugh leaving her lips. "You think I've never had  _darkness_  touch me?"

"Felicity, please..."

"No, Oliver," she protested. "If that is the  _only_  reason that you're keeping me at arms length, then I want you to  _wake up_  and see that I'm already screwed up as it is," she told him. "Sure, I don't know if living with someone who hates you and blames you for the fact that your father left you for half your life measures up to five years on an island, but let me tell you one thing: there are just as many emotional scars left behind from that first experience as the other."

"Felicity," he tried again, but she shook her head furiously at him as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Or the fact that your mother brings home strange men, some of which find the little girl who was forced to grow up too quickly  _attractive_  and just can't  _help themselves_ ," she practically growled, disgust evident in her tone. Oliver himself felt sick to his stomach at what she was insinuating. "So you just fight tooth and nail in school so you can one day  _get away_  from them all and never look back. You get good grades and get into MIT and you graduate and get a good job. But of course, not before your first real boyfriend cheats on you with your supposed best friend, and you find yourself in an abusive relationship because 'what else is to be expected from such a fuck up', right?" she lets out accompanied with a humorless laugh. "And then life goes on and you desperately cling to your belief that there are  _good people_ too in this horrible world you grew up in. Then, one day someone who was thought to be dead waltzes into your office with a bulled ridden computer, and changes everything,  _for the better_. For the first time, in such a long, long time, you look into that someone's eyes and you don't see the person that was beaten down for years and you actually feel  _loved_... But of course, 'because of the life you lead' and all that bullshit, you can't be with the person, no matter how strongly you feel about them," she finished bitterly, her eyes never faltering as she meets his gaze.

He's having trouble breathing suddenly, because he never actually realized... He never knew. No background check he'd run on her told him about the circumstances of her upbringing and nothing could have prepared him for this revelation.

How was it possible for someone so bright and colorful to have had such a dark and horrible childhood?

How was he supposed to fight it now? Fight  _them_  now, when he realized that she had practically just told him that he was the best thing that had ever happened to her?

He knew that his reasons for pushing her away were fading quickly in his mind and the walls he had set up between them were crumbling as he looked into her eyes and spoke, "I feel very strongly about you too, Felicity."

His voice had been a mere whisper but she stubbornly kept glaring at him.

"Are you going to do anything about it, or are you going to let me go?" she asked defiantly. "I can't keep holding on to the illusion of a happy ending with the two of us if it's only going to be an  _illusion_ , Oliver."

He stared at her for a good while before taking her hand in his and bringing it up to his lips, kissing it softly.

"This is your only chance, Oliver," she continued, despite him closing his eyes after his lips connected with her knuckles. "What's it going to be?"

"You," he finally answered. "It's always going to be you."

_A life already spent_

He walked into the room, tired and worn out after a long day. Removing his clothes and stepping into his pajamas, he turned to look at the woman who was sleeping on the bed. Her glasses were on her nightstand and he walked to the master bathroom, brushing his teeth and washing his face before putting on his night shirt, covering the scars he had gotten in his younger years.

For a moment, he looked at himself in the mirror, his blue eyes sparkling with excitement despite his exhaustion. When he thought of how he had looked in his younger years, he barely recognized himself anymore. Of course, he had allowed himself to age with dignity, mostly because his wife had told him that they would not become that old couple that clung to their youth desperately, while everyone around them grew up and aged.

He shook his head, his mouth twitching as a smile grew on his lips before he headed back into the bedroom to join the woman on the bed.

"Hey," she said tiredly, curling up next to him. "How did it go tonight?"

"Good," he answered. "The kid is getting better each day, especially now that Roy and Connor are helping with the training when I don't have time."

"He'll do good, Oliver," she smiled at him. "Especially since he helped train his sister too."

"I know, Felicity," Oliver sighed. "I just feel so old sometimes, and now that Connor has officially become the Arrow, I feel a little useless at times."

"You're not useless, Oliver," Felicity told him. "You're his father. You're  _their_  father; all of them. They are your legacy."

Oliver brought Felicity's hand up to his lips and kissed it before gingerly touching the rings that were on her left ring finger. " _Our_  legacy," he corrected her. "We've spent most of our lives perfecting the team and neither one of us could have done it alone."

"Not only that," she smiled, "but we also managed to raise a family together and we actually had time for barbeques from time to time...and holiday celebrations."

"Yeah," he grinned back. "And I actually got to grow old with the person I love most in this world."

The way her eyes sparkled for a moment made his mind go back to the first time he had laid eyes on her, down in her cubicle in the IT-apartment. As he gently drew his fingers through her graying hair, he once again saw that beautiful, young and quirky blonde that he had fallen so deeply in love with. She might not be blonde anymore, but she was still the most beautiful person he had ever met; inside and out.

"You got to hang up the hood and pass it on, to the next generation," she nodded, reaching up to press her lips gently to his. "You became a mentor to the kids and you got everything you've ever wanted."

"Along with some things that I never knew I wanted," he added, "but it wouldn't have felt so amazing if I hadn't have had you by my side."

He brushed his lips against hers again and she smiled into the kiss. No matter how many years he had spent kissing her, he would never grow tired of it.

"No regrets then?" she wondered.

"No regrets," he confirmed. "Except for maybe not getting my head out of my ass sooner. I could have had you at least two years earlier, had I not been so stubborn to protect you."

"You always had me, Oliver," she whispered, resting her head on his chest. "From the moment you said my name when you came for my help the first time."

"Is that so?" he mused. "Is this the moment I tell you that you had me the second you told me to get away from you because you had a bomb collar stuck around your neck?"

"No, it's the moment you admit that you're still stubbornly sticking to that story, despite the fact that we both know that I had you the second I started rambling about you being alive and not drowning when that yacht went down," she laughed. "It was the head tilt though, right?" she asked, looking up at him.

He cupped her cheek and brushed it with his thumb as he met her eyes again. "It was definitively the head tilt," he nodded.

"And despite everything that we've been though, I'm going to say that we've had a life well spent," she told him, her lips once again connecting with his.

"Yeah," he affirmed, smiling up at her as her curls fell around her face. His mind traveled to their younger years, when she had looked down at him, just like this after they had spent their first night together, and she had told him that she loved him and he had said it back without a seconds hesitation.

He drew her closer to him and his fingers tangled in her hair as he pulled her in, pressing his lips to hers yet again.

"Definitively a life well spent," he murmured, smiling into the kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are golden! =)


End file.
